nomnomchuupie

So, it seems I was able to sleep from 8:30 pm until roughly 10:30 pm. After waking up (as is custom when I sleep early), I couldn't fall back asleep. I've never counted to 3,637 before, but I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon.

Seeking better bringers of slumber, I turned from counting sheep/whatever I was counting to reading. After roughly a hundred pages, I couldn't read anymore for that span. I may try again soon, though the goal will not be sleep.

So here I am, 3:53 am, fully aware I won't be able to sleep tonight at all. Fully aware I will be wrangling a kindergartener most likely all day. Fully aware that I have to be up early again tomorrow to get that ride to Syracuse for that Conference.

Oh, and squeeze laundry in there somewhere. I should probably do that, since I didn't today.

Tack that on to having what I think is a mild head cold, and the stuff going on with Beth, it proves once again that life, is indeed, awesome.

Earlier I felt numb. Then I felt like crying. Now, in my mostly sleep deprived state, I feel as if I stand on the top of a narrow mountain, the summit flat and only a few feet across, ten at the most. The slopes surrounding me are vertical, and the summit is barren. Surrounding the mountain are endless grasslands, hundreds, if not thousands, of feet below me. At the moment, it isn't despair. It isn't a feeling of helplessness. It isn't one of all hope being lost.

More of a feeling of "Fuck. What do I do now."

Few things.

Apparently I have to be interviewed for the position I pretty much already have, and have been doing for 2 weeks. Hooray bureaucracy.

Ups and downs on the depressional cycle. Lately, I just feel expendable, not needed, and left out. Not at the school, I feel like the place would burn down without me. Just...everywhere else. If I disappeared, would it make people sad or glad I am out of the way? Am I just an unintentional roadblock to other peoples happiness? Or am I like the lumbar support on Silibern: There when it is needed to be used, but otherwise largely ignored?

Speaking of Silibern, I should get the lights changed and the antenna fixed.

Oh well. Sledding tomorrow with the Kindergarteners (hopefully we won't have any meltdowns), followed with what will probably be a lonely three day weekend.

I may post, I may not. Who knows.

Well, another weekend gone. What to say about it?

Aside from a small portion, last night was good. Beth and I had dinner at Eben's Hearth, and then wandered the mall in Massena; something I haven't done in a while. We had a good time, and I think the best part was driving down 56, singing to the Seatbelts like we used to. We are Doggy Doggy Dogs! Heehee.

Then back to my place to watch the last two episodes of the 10th Doctor. No tears, but lots of "what the fuck?"

The blip last night? We are lying in bed, and I asked Beth what she was thinking. After all, we had a rather good night hanging out together, as perfect as it has been lately (it even felt like the world around us stopped for a little bit!), and she tells me I don't want to hear it. Alarm bells naturally go off in my head, because I know what that means right now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Why, after such a pleasant night of just us, are her last thoughts of the night focus on Morgan?

Yes, the green eyed monster. Jealousy. Even though I have been constantly reassured again and again I have nothing to fear, I still do. Lately it has been a bit tenuous since I found out that Beth was attracted to Morgan, kissed him, etc. I don't know, it just scares the hell out of me. I fear I am not good enough. I'm worried I am the old, the unexciting (because let's face it, I am not very exciting). I am the known. People want excitement. People want new. What am I to do?

So yes. I am down about all of this. It seems I can't go a day without hearing about Morgan doing this, Morgan saying that, or something about Dexter, which Morgan introduced to Beth. On the surface, it may seem innocent enough, but it always feels like my heart is being torn out each and every time; and that's why I get quiet. Introspective. Saddenned.

This entry should not be taken that last night sucked, because it was positive on many levels, and aside from the blip, it was wonderful.

IN OTHER NEWS...

I may have a consistent job in the Kindergarten for the rest of the year, with benefits as an Aide. This is good, the kids are adorable, and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Furthermore, there is a Social Studies position opening up in the Fall at the High School, and I already have several people (professors, teachers, principals, former staff, and other staff) ready to sing my praises for the position, which is an excellent start to getting my foot in the door and a permanent job. Maybe i'll be able to move back into Potsdam sometime =)

Not that Canton is bad. It is just lonely.

And now, I should get some sleep, those Kindergartners have so much energy.